BREAKING: The heating is broken. Again. Wear layers. And maybe a sleeping bag.

Parent Information Hub

Rhieni / Everything You Didn't Want to Know

HARD TRUTHS

Why Your Angel Failed

A scientific breakdown of where it all went wrong. Spoiler: It probably wasn't the teacher's fault.

Didn't revise45%

Common excuse: "They said they 'already knew it'"

Phone addiction30%

Common excuse: "They were 'researching'"

Stayed up gaming15%

Common excuse: "It was 'educational'"

Actually tried their best5%

Common excuse: "Sometimes it just happens"

Mysterious circumstances5%

Common excuse: "We genuinely don't know"

Remember: Every child is gifted. Some just opened their gifts later. Much later. Maybe never. We're not here to judge.

Parents Evening Translation Guide

"Your child is very chatty"

Actually means: They never shut up

"They have a lot of energy"

Actually means: They're feral

"They're working at their own pace"

Actually means: They're behind

"They're a natural leader"

Actually means: They're bossy

"They're very creative with the truth"

Actually means: They lie

"They're easily distracted"

Actually means: Phone. It's always the phone.

"They have potential"

Actually means: They're not using it

"They're very popular"

Actually means: They talk to everyone instead of working

MONEY PIT

Fundraising (Again, Yes)

Where does the money go? Great question. We're still asking too.

Recent Fundraising Events

Non-Uniform Day #47

New sports equipment (never arrived)

£234

March 2026

Cake Sale

School trip fund (still £2,000 short)

£89

February 2026

Sponsored Silence

Ironic, given the usual noise levels

£12

January 2026

Christmas Raffle

Heating fund (still not fixed)

£456

December 2025

Summer Fete

Disappeared into 'general funds'

£1,200

July 2025

Total Raised This Year

£1,967

Still somehow not enough for literally anything

CLASSIFIED

PTA Drama Central

More drama than a Year 11 English class studying Shakespeare. All names have been changed. The tension remains.

The Great Bake Sale Betrayal of 2025
ONGOING

Sharon brought shop-bought cupcakes and tried to pass them off as homemade. Karen noticed the Tesco reduced sticker. War ensued.

Car Park Gate-gate
RESOLVED (barely)

Someone parked in someone else's 'unofficial' spot. Three passive-aggressive emails and a strongly-worded newsletter followed.

The Uniform Uprising
IGNORED

A faction of parents believe the school logo should be 2cm higher on the blazer. They have a petition. It has 4 signatures.

Sports Day Seating Arrangements
ANNUAL

Who sits where at Sports Day has become more political than actual politics. Alliances have formed. Betrayals have occurred.

The Mystery of the Missing Raffle Money
COLD CASE

£23.50 cannot be accounted for from the 2024 raffle. Accusations fly. Trust has been broken. Audits are demanded.

Next PTA Meeting: First Monday of the month, 7pm
Bring wine. You'll need it.